Tabula Rasa

"If I succeed, you all shall succeed with me, but if I fail, I fail alone." - Ian G., when in self-sacrificial mode.

Have you ever heard of the term, "Tabula Rasa"? It means blank slate in Latin. Why I bring this up, you say?

It's because I'm resetting my life right now.

For the past five years, I have been living another life. The gravity of the decisions I make never go beyond that of what time shall I eat and sleep. I had been very obedient, almost to the point of losing all initiative for the fear of doing something that may compromise the plans that others set before me. I was just a pawn, a tool to be used and discarded at will.

"I am a clone." - Rey Za Burrel, Gundam Seed Destiny

I was numb. A machine. Born as a soul with infinite potential, but shackled by a system that rejects people like me. A world full of non-people ordering me to live the dream. What dream? It was lost long ago.

I exist. Sadly, that was all.

And all that time, I was asleep, emerging only for a week a year to taste what it is to feel.

But no more. This is my life. And I will do with it as I please. I have taken my life into my own two hands, and has given it to God to shape it at His will.

To paraphrase a previous post I made on an old blog of mine:

And now I cross the point of no return…

So now I stand on the battleground, armed with only my wits, faced by a thousand strong. I take a swig from the wine-bottle, raise my middle finger in defiance to all those who oppose me, take up my sword, and charge.

Fortuna audaces iuvat.

Year 2009 is going to be the most dreadfully challenging, extremely frightening and certainly the most emotionally charged year of my life. Seriously. 2009 will be a major turning point in my life, where decisions are to be made which affect where my world-line would lead: a life where I change the world and I die, leaving my mark in the history of mankind; a life where I work, marry, have children and die, with my gene-seed being the only mark that says, "Ian Was Here"; or I die making no mark at all. The trials are going to be seemingly insurmountable, the burden, almost unbearable. Yes, now I cross the point of no return, my own personal Rubicon.

- Ian G., while posting on his old blog.

That's that.

Now I have run away a thousand miles, in search for myself. What will happen, I do not know. I have crossed another Rubicon. But for the first time in years, I am truly alive.

Well, I've already made my decision, and I'm going to see it through, whatever the consequences.

May God grant us all fair winds.

Cheers,
Ran.